Christmas Countdown Poems

For those who asked.

I’ll post the poems from the rest of the week on the day they’re broadcast. I’m glad you enjoyed them as much as I enjoyed being on the show.

(If the formatting is a bit off, it’s because I did this in the back of a cab on my phone)

 

Monday

It had been a while since Santa Claus had been out on his sleigh

And was ill prepared to dish out all the presents

It was obvious the reindeer had been getting out of shape

And with Christmas looming, time was of the essence.

“Stir your stumps,” he hollered “Blow the cobwebs from your coats!

We couriers have languished for too long!

Training starts forthwith so Rudolf, please, put down the oats!

We’ve deliveries to ready! Come along!”

Well, the North Pole was aflurry and workbenches all pushed back

As Blitzen led the caribou pilates

And Santa started weight training by deadlifting his sack

While the sleigh got washed by elfish cleaning parties.

So on December 24th the team took to the skies

And though the sleigh’d been thoroughly inspected

No-one had discovered the faulty reindeer ties

And somewhere over Salford the deer got disconnected.

Well down the sleigh did tumble, and down old Santa fell

Like a comet burning fearsome through the night

With a smash a bash and clatter, the jalopy burnt to hell

Both man and sleigh blazed shrapnel, smoke and light.

Yet when the haze had faded and when Mr Claus came to

He peered about to see where he had crashed

(And saw) staring back at him three people, each one’s face a frown

And a giant clock with half of it all smashed.

“Where am I?” asked the old man, still reeling from the shock

“Who are you?” he reeled, still coughing from the smoke

And as his head began to clear, he recognised the clock

And the ladies stood before him, and the bloke.

“I’m Suzy,” said the first one as she pulled him from the sled

“There’s no need for you to tell us who you are.”

“I’m Rachel,” said the second “And I’m Nick” the fella said

“You’ve crash-landed here at Countdown. Look. Tada!”

“Oh No!” yelled Santa stumbling from the carnage all around

“I’ve got to get this all fixed up – and fast!”

“You’re not leaving,” answered Suzy “‘til your bleeding head’s been bound.”

“And that clearly broken leg’s put in a cast.”

“But who will take the gifts around the world?! It’s Christmas Eve!

If my bonce is bandaged and my leg’s in plaster?

You think someone else could do it? Suzy don’t be so naive.

Oh damn! Oh blast! This whole thing’s a disaster!”

Then Rachel said, “There may not be one person who could do it,

But maybe we three here could fill your shoes?”

“Impossible!” cried Santa “what if you went and blew it?!

“Sir!” Nick cried “You’ve simply nothing else to choose!”

“But the naughty and nice lists need collating!

And the reindeer want a strong arm at their reins.

The journey time! It still needs calculating!

I’d delegate, but no-one’s got the brains!”

“I think you’ll find,” said Suzy, stepping forth and growing holier

“That verifying big long lists’ my jam.”

“And I once drove,” spake Hewer “from Hyde Park to Mongolia.

You need someone to drive reindeer? I’m your man.

“And as for calculations I think you could do worse

Than a woman who does algebra for kicks.”

Uttered Rachel with her phone out, telling Suzy “Call a nurse.”

As old Santa swapped his hat and coat for Nick’s.

And so it was, I tell you Brothers, Sisters

(You) may choose to not believe me but I swear

That Rachel, Nick and Suzy rescued Christmas

As the theme from Countdown echoed through the crispy Christmas air

 

Tuesday

T’was the Alphabet Staff Christmas Party
They held it in Meeting Room 2

Drowned the office in acres of tinsel

And laid on a bit of a do

Invitations had duly been sent out

And all those invited said yes
G and T said they’d serve cocktails
The catering? All M&S.
The music was seventies classics
R&B planned it just so
They opened their set playing Y.M.C.A
To top it, D.I.S.C.O.
A slightly drunk Q professed undying love
Though it’s little surprise who t’was to
He stood on the table and bellowed aloud
“I just cannot live without U”
F and Y, well they chatted ‘bout Scrabble
Which ended for each, with a hug
“I can’t believe you’re worth 4 too!” they exclaimed
K overheard and looked smug.

J hung about outside smoking
And H took some air on the steps
Whilst S and E crudely attempted
To do something risque with X.

P had arranged all the parking

For the alphabet’s VW’s

And N, after four margaritas

Curled up with Z for a snooze.

But just as the party was ending

And all of the letters were blotto

Someone suggested a photo

The whole team, as one, in the grotto.

So in non-alphabetical order

They gathered for their photo op

But before anyone took the picture

K looked around and yelled “Stop!

There’s one of us missing! Where are they?

Has anyone seen them tonight?”

But no – for at that exact moment

Their colleague was boarding a flight.

He’d bypassed the work celebrations

And gone on vacation instead

“I’ve booked a fortnight to The Dead Sea”

He’d confessed days beforehand to Zed.

So when K had voiced consternation
It was Zed who explained to the throng

That though 25 letters attended

There’d been one absentee all along.

Well, once they’d assessed who was missing,

His choice to abstain seemed quite strong

And everyone fell about laughing,

once Zed explained who with a song:

“No L, No L, No L No L

He’s off with his wife and kids as well.

No L, No L, No L No L

Gone on a fling to Israel.”