Friday’s Countdown Poem

22 12 2017

It’s Christmas time! Oh woopdedoo! Oh joy! Kalloo kalay!

Oh Angels Wings! Oh Happy things! It’s nearly Christmas Day!

For those of you uncertain of what Christmas really means

This ode explains why everyone loves it to smithereens!

Christmas starts in August during Summer holidays

For that is when the supermarkets put out their displays.

You’re wearing shorts and sunnies as you glide past the shelfstackers

You just popped in for suncream, but you leave with Christmas Crackers.

Then sometime in October when the nights are turning colder

The advertising companies become a little bolder

Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! Scream the ads

You must ensure this Christmas is the best you’ve ever had!

And if with children you are blessed it’s early in November

They fill their christmas list with stuff they’ll hate by late December.

By then your children have begun to think of little else

Than what to them will be brought by old Santa and his Elfs

They want an iPad, want some shoes, a bicycle, a pony

Their body weight in haribo, a playstation from Sony

And coz it’s Santa’s buying them, well, no-one pays a penny

There’re no reasons your kids shouldn’t get the things they want! Not any!

Oh Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! Send Instagrams! Send Tweets!

Burn the candles! Burn the brandy! Burn the credit card receipts!

With about four weeks to go, you’ve still got time to make a list an’

Send cards to all the people you’ve not seen sayin’ you’ve missed ‘em.

When the big day’s just a fortnight hence it’s time to get a tree

Whose branches will be bare by Christmas Eve most probably

But you smother it in tinsel and you cover it in baubles

And your neighbours say it’s lovely even though it looks godawful.

And the carpet in your front room holds dropped needles up like spears

Which if you walk on barefoot, to your eyes brings Christmas tears!

Oh Christmas Christmas Christmas! Oh Happiness! Oh Rapture!

The thousand photos that you’ll take! The jolly time you’ll capture!

And then when Christmas Eve rolls round, it’s your time to relax

Once the shopping’s been unloaded and the presents are all wrapped

And the whole house has been washed and cleaned and polished, mopped and straighted

And your hyperactive children have been chemically sedated

And the stockings have been strung up and the red wine’s all been mulled

And the sprout stems have cut crosses and your sense of joy’s been dulled

And the next day you’re awoken by your kids at 5am

And there’s really no convincing them to go to bed again

And there’s wrapping paper everywhere, and then you start the booze

And you try to tidy up again before your inlaws cruise

Their fat backsides into your house and sit down at your feast

And never once say thank you and fart like rising yeast

And drink your scotch and fall asleep and treat you like a waiter

Whilst your sugar-rushing children scream their heads off like a freighter

And despite this being your house and these people “loving” you

They will not shut up for a spell while I watch Doctor Who!

…ahem…

Christmas! Christmas Christmas! Falala’s and Whoop de doos

I wish you Merry Christmas. Now, where’d I put that booze?


Since writing this for Countdown (which I think we filmed in October), there has been a charity Carol concert that I was meant to be performing at, which at the last minute I couldn’t attend.

So I made this. It’s imperfect, but I thought I’d share it with you anyway.

Oh and just to say, I bloody love being on Countdown and all the lovely things that have been said to me over this week have been enormously happy-making, so THANK YOU X

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